Because of the Labor Day weekend, I
had to rush and finish this column before the weekend, so I thought I would
round a few corners by sharing with you some of the best one-liners from the
Internet. Since this is a family newspaper and I do blush, I left out any
references to s-e-x. But if you want to read all of the top 100 Funniest
One-Liners you can find them at http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/. Now here are a few of my favorites.
1.) “Do not argue with an idiot. He will
drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.” 2.) “With sufficient
thrust, pigs fly just fine.” 3.) “Did you know that dolphins are so smart that
within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very
edge of the pool and throw them fish?” 4.) “When tempted to fight fire with
fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.” 5) “We never
really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” 6.) “War does not determine
who is right – only who is left.” 7.) “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a
fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” 8.) “It’s not the fall that
kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.” 9.) “I got in a fight one time
with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your
face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah?
Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very
well.” 10) “When in doubt, mumble.”
Two weeks ago I thanked Chris Zukin
and Meadow Outdoor Advertising for the Center’s new outdoor sign. Well, this
week it’s time to thank Chip Wood for donating his time and talent to install
in the basement of the Center new kitchen cabinets and sink – paid for by an
anonymous donor. They look terrific, but that is just the first step. Next is
to replace the basement carpet that was “used” when it was installed over
twenty years ago. Anyone willing to take on that project?
It’s hard to imagine, but it won’t be
too long before the Baby Back Rib Dinner is back for another run on Friday,
October 5th. The dinner is sponsored by Mill Creek Point Senior Living and all
revenue from the dinner is split evenly between Meals-on-Wheels and the Center.
Tickets are $15 per adult and $7.50 for children and you can purchase them at
the Center or Klindt’s.
For those of you who haven’t been
able to sleep worrying about my mending broken hip, I am glad to report some
very good news: my knees are stiff and sore, my hearing is poor in one ear and
worse in the other, and I can’t touch my toes, BUT my hip no longer hurts. So I
guess I can say I‘m back to my old normal.
Don’t forget “Seasons” a
discussion about the many facets of aging, led by Sally McBain – author of
“Soul Portrait”. It starts on Monday, September 10th from 10:00 – 11:00 at the
Next Tuesday on the 11th,
Martin and Friends will get your heart pounding and your feet stomping. And
tonight, it’s the Strawberry Mountain Band performing. The doors open at 6:00,
music starts at 7:00 and donations are suggested.
“In the jungle, the mighty
jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.” Many of us remember the song, particularly the
chorus – “wimoweh,
wimoweh”, written by South African
Soloman Linda in the 1920’s and which reached #1 when it was recorded by the
Tokens in 1961. (And each week I enjoy hearing from everyone who calls or emails
in their answer including Herm Neuberger this week’s winner of a free breakfast.)
But this is the season for Presidential Conventions, so let’s go back to the
future and the Republican Convention in 1960. What U.S. Senator, in a speech
that some consider the highlight of the convention, removed himself from the
race and called upon conservatives to take back the party? Email your
answer to the email@example.com, call 541-296-4788 or mail it with a 1960 edition
of “The Conscience of a Conservative”.
Well, it has been
another week, trying to disagree without being disagreeable. Until we meet
again, a bump in the road doesn’t mean an end to the journey. (Unless of
course, it forces you over a cliff and then – well, that is a whole different
“ In this world, a good time to laugh is any time you can.” Linda Ellerbee